Its Monday today ... and now for third Monday in the row... I have Monday blues... :(... I feel tired.... and somewhat drained... :( I was HOPING to catch up on some sleep over the weekend... but somehow I could not.... so now my brain is sending signals... that I am tired... :) I know and understand... that this feeling of tiredness is more a perception than reality... :)
This happens all the times... whenever we pin our HOPE at something and we do not get it... then we are disappointed... and it pains us...!! Now this pain can be as insignificant as tiredness... or crankiness... but at times ... it can also be huge... frustration... and anger...!!
Did we not feel terrible when we did not get the promotion (at the work place) that we were so hoping for...?? Did it not hurt us when one of our good friends forgot to wish us on our birthday... and we hoped that he or she would send a gift :)?? Were we not angry when India lost in a cricket match to Pakistan... that we so hoped India to win??
Whether the hope is for a small and rather insignificant thing... or it is for something that has a life changing effect.... if our hope is not fulfilled... it has bothered us... it has pained us... it has made us sad... !! At many a times the root cause of our ‘pain’... is our ‘hope’...!!
But this is not the conclusion… there is another side to this coin... another part of this story... and that is... at times... HOPE has been the sole life force... that has helped us sustain ... and motivated us to continue in the toughest of the situations...!!
It is only because we hope that there is light at the other end of the dark tunnel that we get the strength to walk through it...!!
Is it not only because we hope... that next time we would be promoted... that we still continue to work...?? Is it not because we hope that our dear friend would be there for us always... that we forgive him or her... for forgetting our birthday...?? At times we feel that everything is lost.... and that... now we can endure no more... but we still hold on... because deep down we have this HOPE that... this too shall pass...!!
Though I have quoted insignificant examples... but I hope to bring significant attention to the context :)!!
Yes... we hope and so... we are... really!! It’s the hope… that keeps us sane amidst maddening situations... gives us strength to look beyond and wait for a better future... however at times it even hurts us... makes us feel desperate...!! At times hope helps us have confidence... happiness... dreams... aspirations... patience... and also at times pain...despair... frustration... anger... agitation... and hopelessness... :)
It is quite strange as how HOPE invokes a wide spectrum of feelings and emotions... and how it keeps us humane... :)!!
Monday, March 29, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
For this... did I do my engineering...?
My manager told me today...that I would be mentoring two fresher's ...joining the organization. ('Fresher' is an IT jargon that stands for a person fresh out of college; joining its first organization.)
WOW... I would be MENTORING...!! I can mentor... so it definitely means that I have the qualification to address my mentees’ inquisitiveness.... that I have the maturity to understand their insecurities and fears... and I also have the vision to provide them with guidance on their career path....!! ... And it made me smile... I felt a sense of pride…!! It is, indeed, a milestone..., rather a significant one, of my professional journey...!!
With some industry experience... now I understand... that though a fresher has education and degrees but that are not enough... professional world is altogether a different ball game... :) On our side of the world... education is important... but experience is what matters more...!! Here... intelligence is appreciated... but diligence is what we look for....!! Though we may have topped our branch... or our college... we may even have earned gold medals... but when we start our professional career... we start afresh… we start it from a zero...!! :) The irony is that I NOW understand this… back then … may be I lacked the maturity :)
I have come a long way from where it started.... some 5.5 years back... and I was the FRESHER then ... :)...!!
That day is still so vivid..., ‘Cognizant’, Tidal Park Office, Chennai and the date was 9th August 2004..., when a crowd of around 500 or so odd people completed the joining formalities...!! We had a qualified brain but an unsure heart.... of what lays ahead... how future will unfold... and where we would be headed to...!! Yes... we were scared then... that day... when the journey started... and life has been a roller coaster ride ever since...!!
After the initial two month long induction training, we were put on live projects... and Sridhar was my first ever team lead (and I still call him TL)...!! At that time, he must be having the similar experience level that I have now...!! Though our work experiences may be comparable...and also the technical skills but definitely not the temperament... and the attitude...!! TL was an awesome mentor...!! He is mature... composed... comforting... understanding... and most importantly, he definitely knew how to handle me… then!! :)..
It was just the first week of my live project...!!TL assigned me my very first work/task… The task was to understand a small module in the application and then write test cases... around it... !! After explaining the requirements… he turned to his system (He used to sit diagonally opposite to me...)… Hardly 5 minutes had gone…that he heard someone sobbing…. rather someone crying… crying hard!! And he looked around… to only find me crying … crying my heart out…!! He was shocked… and confused….!! Lots of thoughts crossed his mind… did something terrible happen??… Or was I not feeling well??… Or did he offend me in anyway??… Or did I fight with one of my friends??...
I was his team member… and he had to understand as why I was crying… so he came to me… sat next to me… then asked, “Manu… what happened??”… I turned to him... and between my sobs… I replied and conveyed my genuine feelings… “For this (writing test cases) only did I do my engineering??”
TL looked at me… at my tear filled eyes and my pained expression… and he patted my shoulder… and told… “Manu… I understand and we will discuss this... once you stop crying...”!!
Now… after all these years… I know… I was damn blessed to have him as my first lead and mentor…!!
He did not laugh at my foolishness (now I know …it was so stupid.)… Nor did he scold me (If I was in his place… I would have got irritated...)… Also he did not ignore me (At least he could have let it pass…) … or impose upon me (After all I was just a fresher…)!!
WOW... I would be MENTORING...!! I can mentor... so it definitely means that I have the qualification to address my mentees’ inquisitiveness.... that I have the maturity to understand their insecurities and fears... and I also have the vision to provide them with guidance on their career path....!! ... And it made me smile... I felt a sense of pride…!! It is, indeed, a milestone..., rather a significant one, of my professional journey...!!
With some industry experience... now I understand... that though a fresher has education and degrees but that are not enough... professional world is altogether a different ball game... :) On our side of the world... education is important... but experience is what matters more...!! Here... intelligence is appreciated... but diligence is what we look for....!! Though we may have topped our branch... or our college... we may even have earned gold medals... but when we start our professional career... we start afresh… we start it from a zero...!! :) The irony is that I NOW understand this… back then … may be I lacked the maturity :)
I have come a long way from where it started.... some 5.5 years back... and I was the FRESHER then ... :)...!!
That day is still so vivid..., ‘Cognizant’, Tidal Park Office, Chennai and the date was 9th August 2004..., when a crowd of around 500 or so odd people completed the joining formalities...!! We had a qualified brain but an unsure heart.... of what lays ahead... how future will unfold... and where we would be headed to...!! Yes... we were scared then... that day... when the journey started... and life has been a roller coaster ride ever since...!!
After the initial two month long induction training, we were put on live projects... and Sridhar was my first ever team lead (and I still call him TL)...!! At that time, he must be having the similar experience level that I have now...!! Though our work experiences may be comparable...and also the technical skills but definitely not the temperament... and the attitude...!! TL was an awesome mentor...!! He is mature... composed... comforting... understanding... and most importantly, he definitely knew how to handle me… then!! :)..
It was just the first week of my live project...!!TL assigned me my very first work/task… The task was to understand a small module in the application and then write test cases... around it... !! After explaining the requirements… he turned to his system (He used to sit diagonally opposite to me...)… Hardly 5 minutes had gone…that he heard someone sobbing…. rather someone crying… crying hard!! And he looked around… to only find me crying … crying my heart out…!! He was shocked… and confused….!! Lots of thoughts crossed his mind… did something terrible happen??… Or was I not feeling well??… Or did he offend me in anyway??… Or did I fight with one of my friends??...
I was his team member… and he had to understand as why I was crying… so he came to me… sat next to me… then asked, “Manu… what happened??”… I turned to him... and between my sobs… I replied and conveyed my genuine feelings… “For this (writing test cases) only did I do my engineering??”
TL looked at me… at my tear filled eyes and my pained expression… and he patted my shoulder… and told… “Manu… I understand and we will discuss this... once you stop crying...”!!
Now… after all these years… I know… I was damn blessed to have him as my first lead and mentor…!!
He did not laugh at my foolishness (now I know …it was so stupid.)… Nor did he scold me (If I was in his place… I would have got irritated...)… Also he did not ignore me (At least he could have let it pass…) … or impose upon me (After all I was just a fresher…)!!
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Wednesday, March 10, 2010
We can only miss him...
... And then I woke up... and realized that...it was only a dream... a dream where we were together... all of us... and he was with us... and we were laughing as usual... like mad that we did...!! Of course ... it has to be a dream.... because the truth is...he is no more.... and it has been 5 years since...!! This realization always causes immense pain... but then the co-incidence... that it's his birthday today... made it cruel ...!! :(
Sometimes... it feels... as if he is still here... with us...!! I could sometimes hear his voice...calling my name... as he used to do then...!! His smile... his eyes... his hugs... his talks...!!Oh yes... he was special for us... very special...!!
Very unique was his association with each of us....!! He assumed different roles... best friend... best brother... mentor...guide... and he was just perfect in every role that he played...!!
He loved us... just unconditionally...!!
He was one of the most intelligent people ...I ever met...!! When it comes to programming and software... he sure was a geek... but then he was as cool as anyone can be... :)..!!! He was so much fun to be with... so spontaneous... and so wonderful!!
It, in itself, is a privilege to have known him... to have spent time with him... to have shared a joke... to have discussed anything to everything over tea... to have walked the same lanes... and to have hold hands...!!
Memories of our time spent together... are still intact... and are as fresh...!! Yes... these memories hurt... and hurt very badly...!! It has been a big personal loss for all of us.... but it was a bigger tragedy....!! Tragedy... that it was so quick...that by the time we heard the news... he had already left us...forever... and we couldn't say good byes... and the fact is ... now we can only miss him...!!
I miss you so much... Amit Bhaiya!! We miss you so much... We may not always express... but we feel your absence so much... in everything that we take up!! We miss you... when we are sad... and we yearn for your rock solid support...!! We miss you... when we are happy... and we want to see that sparkle in your eyes...!!
Sometimes... it feels... as if he is still here... with us...!! I could sometimes hear his voice...calling my name... as he used to do then...!! His smile... his eyes... his hugs... his talks...!!Oh yes... he was special for us... very special...!!
Very unique was his association with each of us....!! He assumed different roles... best friend... best brother... mentor...guide... and he was just perfect in every role that he played...!!
He loved us... just unconditionally...!!
He was one of the most intelligent people ...I ever met...!! When it comes to programming and software... he sure was a geek... but then he was as cool as anyone can be... :)..!!! He was so much fun to be with... so spontaneous... and so wonderful!!
It, in itself, is a privilege to have known him... to have spent time with him... to have shared a joke... to have discussed anything to everything over tea... to have walked the same lanes... and to have hold hands...!!
Memories of our time spent together... are still intact... and are as fresh...!! Yes... these memories hurt... and hurt very badly...!! It has been a big personal loss for all of us.... but it was a bigger tragedy....!! Tragedy... that it was so quick...that by the time we heard the news... he had already left us...forever... and we couldn't say good byes... and the fact is ... now we can only miss him...!!
I miss you so much... Amit Bhaiya!! We miss you so much... We may not always express... but we feel your absence so much... in everything that we take up!! We miss you... when we are sad... and we yearn for your rock solid support...!! We miss you... when we are happy... and we want to see that sparkle in your eyes...!!
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Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Leave without any reason...
No... I am not sick...!!
... Also I did not go home or to my in-laws place...for Holi...!!
Any crisis...?? of course not... !!
Guests at home..?? None...!!
Need for me-time.... Nah..!!
Actually there is no logically valid excuse for this leave per say.... And yes... I still...took a day off today...!!
WOW... after a long time ...did I take a leave ... just for the heck of taking one...!!!
In fact… if I can recollect correctly... I think... this is for second or third time in my career of around 6 years... when I absolutely knew... that the leave is without any reason...!! :)
And it did make me happy... very happy!!
Few days back.... when I applied for this leave... I was feeling little guilty... as I usually do whenever I apply for one…!! Sometimes…my husband would tease me... that I behave as if office would shut down... if I don’t go… :)!! ... Not his fault… I am fussy about my office... my work... my client... my calls... and my deadlines...!! I always have some reason... and taking off ... even for a day is a seriously thought about decision...!!
But this time… it was an impulse... definitely...and thankfully... I did not apply any logic to it...!! I am so glad... that I did not...!! Today I had this nice feeling... of peace... and of contentment...!! It was a much needed break... and I relaxed...!!
Living at our own terms… is this not the whole purpose of us working so hard?? Are not all these leaves well earned ... for ourselves... and should not be reserved …for some purpose... or exigency?? Shouldn’t we realize... that office is just a part of our life... and that it should not become the heart of it...!! If going to office everyday is normal... then simply being at home at times…when we wish… is equally normal!!
We work... because we want to have economical independence ... and freedom… of thought and of expression… we want to prove ourselves… we want to grow… we want to reach the sky… but among all this … have we become slaves elsewhere??
... Also I did not go home or to my in-laws place...for Holi...!!
Any crisis...?? of course not... !!
Guests at home..?? None...!!
Need for me-time.... Nah..!!
Actually there is no logically valid excuse for this leave per say.... And yes... I still...took a day off today...!!
WOW... after a long time ...did I take a leave ... just for the heck of taking one...!!!
In fact… if I can recollect correctly... I think... this is for second or third time in my career of around 6 years... when I absolutely knew... that the leave is without any reason...!! :)
And it did make me happy... very happy!!
Few days back.... when I applied for this leave... I was feeling little guilty... as I usually do whenever I apply for one…!! Sometimes…my husband would tease me... that I behave as if office would shut down... if I don’t go… :)!! ... Not his fault… I am fussy about my office... my work... my client... my calls... and my deadlines...!! I always have some reason... and taking off ... even for a day is a seriously thought about decision...!!
But this time… it was an impulse... definitely...and thankfully... I did not apply any logic to it...!! I am so glad... that I did not...!! Today I had this nice feeling... of peace... and of contentment...!! It was a much needed break... and I relaxed...!!
Living at our own terms… is this not the whole purpose of us working so hard?? Are not all these leaves well earned ... for ourselves... and should not be reserved …for some purpose... or exigency?? Shouldn’t we realize... that office is just a part of our life... and that it should not become the heart of it...!! If going to office everyday is normal... then simply being at home at times…when we wish… is equally normal!!
We work... because we want to have economical independence ... and freedom… of thought and of expression… we want to prove ourselves… we want to grow… we want to reach the sky… but among all this … have we become slaves elsewhere??
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