To not react impulsively is indeed a difficult job !!

I am upfront... and direct... quick … and honest… and impulsive..!! Many of my well-wishers have tried to explain me that I have behavioral issues and I should not ignore them… But I being me… never accepted until I realized it the hard way... a few days back...!!

I was in the appraisal discussion with my manager... and I was my usual confident self...assuming... that the discussion would be similar to all the previous ones...!! (…smell arrogance...??? yes indeed!! ..may be even proud !!)

Quite unexpectedly… it was a shocker…an eye-opener!! ..I had not anticipated... but soon realized... this time... it was not going to be same...!! (Hope I never have to go through a similar appraisal ever again!!) Agree... it was difficult to face it then... but it is better late than never :-)

"I am too direct... and to tell the truth... I cherished that... but then being direct has its own consequences. There is a hierarchy... and most of the times the direct comments... cause raised eyebrows... :-) "

"Very opinionated... I always thought it to be my strength... but then definitely... many a times... having a very strong opinion prevents me from appreciating new ideas..."

"Perfectionist ... cannot accept anything that does not meet my criteria of perfection... and this definitely scares my team members away... and so I end up becoming unapproachable..."

"I have very high expectations from myself… this is fine as long as I don’t force this upon others… but I do… I expect a lot… and cannot accept any less!! This often creates uncomfortable situations for others…"

"And to top it all.... I cannot NOT react... :) "

My first reaction was ‘denial’… I cried … I cried my heart out…. Then... it was ‘rejection’… whatever has been told is incorrect…!! But this could not hold ground for long…as at the core of it I knew…all this has some truth in it…!! I ‘cribbed’ …and I felt ‘dejected’… but surprisingly… this time I ‘accepted’ and then started ‘introspection’… (…this will continue for sometime...!) … And the inner search!!

I feel… that to some extent… my 'Spontaneous Reaction' is the crux of all the behavioral issues that my manager pointed out...!! I am naturally like this... I react...!! If something is wrong... I have to voice it...!! If someone is not as committed... I lose my temper...!! I have this compulsive need to overtly express myself...!! I believe in telling the truth and then not keeping any malice inside... but may be this is not how it should be...!!

For once someone has pointed out my mistakes ... issues with my character… and surprisingly I have heard...!! But the bigger surprise is that I am thinking over these again and again... and more I retrospect... more I realize the truth... "To not react impulsively is indeed a difficult job" !!

Arrogance in moderation...

"Arrogance in moderation does wonders to one's personality!!”... I recently read this somewhere...cannot recall the exact context... but it did register in my permanent memory.

My first reaction was…did I read correctly? And then I read it again... and smiled...!! I was pleasantly surprised and relaxed. In one short and subtle sentence, someone has expressed what I feel so strongly about.

I AM arrogant... and I have made peace with this truth. Yes, there was a time when I was troubled and felt guilty about this very strong trait of my character. But as I retrospect and realize... that it is quintessentially me... and it is no WRONG...and that it is NORMAL... Coming to think of it , arrogance has rather been quiet helpful all these years...!!

People around me know for very sure that I will not take any rubbish from them... they are even scared sometimes... and it helps me speak my own mind...to have my own space.. They know that they will have to reason with me logically before they could convince me...and it helps me be independent and more confident…

In this society, where anyone to everyone whether qualified or not is ready with number of suggestions... more so for a girl...!! Where if you let others take control of your life even for once... they assume right on all your decisions...!! People are ready to trample you and make you follow the society norms..., it helps to be arrogant... :-)

Hectic yet fulfilling...

It was after a gap of 10 years that I went home for Chhath puja. And the experience was awesome... out of the world...!!

The very same city... home... even people...everything appears so different...!! There is only one purpose... only one focus... to worship...to pray... to seek blessings... to ask for forgiveness!! I don't think there is any other festival that is so elaborate... so difficult... yet so meaningful to our existence...!! We worship... Sun God... the eternal source of all energy...and in turn of life!! Interestingly, "Sun" is one of the Gods which is worshipped in various religion ... and not only in Hinduism...!! Another special thing is that we pray the "setting" sun as well as the "rising" sun...!!

This puja is one of its kinds as it does not involve any "idol" worshipping. On all the four days of the puja...you are occupied with one or the other rituals associated with it...!! This is an extensive and very elaborate puja... that engrosses you completely... and you could actually feel the vibes...!! You voluntarily get involved and you could feel peace within and ...satisfaction!! The surrounding appears so serene... so pure... just magical...!! You could experience it in air... a special feeling of warmth... of belonging...!! You feel drawn to your roots ... to your folks...!!

I never realized what it meant to me. May be I had drifted too far away from the magical spell of it. But this time as if 'Chhathi Maiya' wanted me to be there... and I was there to re-live the magic called "Chhath"...